Q:Be.Do.

If I were a stand-up comic, I would focus my “differences between men and women” routine on men’s addiction to outcome. Or, at least, my own personal addiction to outcome. There aren’t a lot of sporting events I plan on sitting down to take in: Golf’s Majors, Cal Football (until the 3rd quarter, when they inevitably choke), the Superbowl, maybe some final games of the NBA championships.

There also isn’t a contest I can easily turn away from, once I’ve become interested in the outcome (i.e. caught three minutes of it on TV). There is a deep-seated need to know what happens that I can’t shake. Case in point: last week, I’m doing my morning stretching routine at my mother in law’s house, and ESPN is broadcasting the Scripps National Spelling Bee live. Holy shit! Who knew? Tia Thomas has read the dictionary seven times and been to the National Finals five times? Well, now I have to know.

I had to turn the TV off shortly thereafter, when Ryder came in the room. He still doesn’t watch any TV except Mark the weatherman on the morning news. Ryder’s interest in and obsession with the only movie he’s ever seen are all the indication I need to keep him away from the land of shiny, flashy imagery.

But I spent the rest of the day wondering if little Tia managed to pull this one out. I mean, the way she nailed “ptarmic” – a word that even my spellchecker can’t get right – was spectacular. She totally had that thing dialed in from the get, but she took her time, asked her questions, determined origin and usage, and then nailed it. It was impressive. The display of a true champion putting on a clinic.

At one point during my event that night I even browbeat myself for not setting my mother in law’s DVR to record the finals that night. After all, who wouldn’t want to watch a lovable bunch of insanely focused, pre-adolescent uber-geeks fight it out for the title of most useless skillset ever?

Flipping channels on the couch later that night, I was happy to catch the highlights on SportCenter – the land of outcomes, and savior of my need to know. Little Tia took third, she misspelled opificer. I’d be heart broken for her, but I have to find out if Urijah Faber was able to defend his World Extreme Cagefighting Featherweight title against Jeff Pulver…