Farewell, 5-Bladed Razor: I Will Not Miss You

Originally posted August 13, 2011

Over a year ago I decided to usher my shaving habits in to the 21st century and purchased one of those new-fangled 5-bladed razors at CostCo. I had been shaving with the same razor, a Gillette Mach III, for over a decade, and figured it was time to upgrade.

Do not trust this razor

Big mistake. The benefits of 5 blades exist solely for the guys writing marketing copy, and are non-existent for me and my face. The big, bulky head of the razor fails to get into that tight little spot under my nose, misses hairs on curves on the jawbone, and takes 5 times as much flesh with it when it decides to bite. I have cursed this razor each and every time I have shaved over the course of the past year.

When shaving with this Hummer of Hair Removal I can only pray that it doesn’t leave embarrassing hairs on my face, or rip pothole sized chunks out of it. And don’t talk to me of the lone, 6th blade stretched across the top of it for those “hard to reach places.” That ill-conceived thing has done more to make my nose bleed than a 7-year wrestling career ever did.

One might be quick to point out that at any time in the past year I could have simply thrown that razor and its blades away and returned to my 3-bladed ways. But I am a stubborn, cheap bastard. If I spend $20.00 on a razor and 20 cartridges then I damn well am going to get my money’s worth, even if it costs me a few new scars and engenders in me a hatred usually reserved for M. Night Shamalamadingdong films.

Farewell, 5-bladed razor, I will not miss you. The year that we spent together is more of a testament to my stubbornness and spend-thrift nature than proof of your value as a razor.

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